Friday, August 4, 2017

It's August.. already?

When my phone showed 1st August, I stared at it for awhile.. Thinking how could it has possibly been a year since my favourite month? Time, it does that to you. And so I decided I must write something before another year passes by, without me being able to reconnect with words.. and sentences.. and well, thoughts.
 It has been ages since I wrote as I usually get absorbed in my own words and everything else stays at the background, being witnesses of the letters that appear on the screen. So with the two girls around.. well, the only way for me to get absorbed is to wait for them to go to sleep. And when they do, I race with time to complete other tasks. And writing... has always dropped lower in the priority list. 
But how does a writer (self-acclaimed of course) stay distant with her passion? It's impossible, for the thought of doing it keeps lingering in the mind.. I miss writing. I miss how therapeutic it is, how it makes me become more sensitive to my emotions, how it makes me recollect memories and how reading them makes me understand myself better.
A lot has happened in these few years.. My husband, the best gift Allah swt has ever given me. Sometimes a lady like me gets carried away with emotions, but this wonderful man right here, he's my saviour. Always trying to be the best and providing the best for our family. Always bringing out the good in me. I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
And then of course, there are the two girls, my sweet little angels, my soul, my happiness. It's 8 am as I'm writing this and I'm letting them sleep in because I need to write this. Any minute now, one of them, (or maybe both!) would come walking here so I guess I should hurry up. Kaklong Aysha being the big, independent girl that she is, would understand that ummi is 'working' thus go read a book or play with her little ponies, but the little Maryam wouldn't be too understanding. At her age, the laptop is  ummi's toy that must be shared. 
I feel guilty for not making any posts about Maryam like I did for Aysha. Maryam, if you're reading this one day, I assure you this has nothing to do with the second child syndrome but it's only because ummi has gotten herself occupied with other things. My love for you is as abundant as it is for your kaklong. Now, smile for me will you? There you go. :)

My darlings, 'Aysha & Maryam. Two different personalities, two huge hearts, two totally best friends for life. And most of all, ummi's two little minis. Aysha is an amazing big sister, who I could rely on to take care of Maryam. To her, Maryam is a new friend who she guides to do things. "Maryam, you have to hold the book like this!" "Maryam, come here, let's hide. Babah dah balik!" "Maryam, you can't wear your shoes here." "Maryam, eat properly!" 
Being a big girl that she is, she's always so keen to share her things. "Maryam, here, you can have Rainbow Dash, I play with Fluttershy!" "Maryam, look.. there's bread for you." "Maryam, you can colour this, I will colour this."
And Maryam, being too amazed by this guardian angel as a sister, would follow everything that her kaklong says and does. And I do mean everything. She can't really talk yet but now that she's almost getting there, she's totally a copy of her kaklong. Too funny to watch sometimes, but yes, heart-warming too.
I really do pray that the both of you stay close till eternity. My two beautiful little girls, may Allah always protect and guide you, amin.

Now that Atuk and Opah are closer to us, we get to see them often. Almost every weekend to be exact, and isn't that just a blessing. Both granddaughters are absolutely smitten with them. Atuk though busy, would always find the time to bring them to the playground or go for a stroll with his motorcycle. Opah, well, she'd just splurge them with all the things she can buy and make them all kinds of crafts. I actually even think Maryam got this artsy side from her- always playing with paper and creating her own kind of art. 

So, yes, life has been good. Allah swt has been kind. Too kind. Too generous. Too forgiving. And I am just forever grateful. I guess this is  what's up with my life now. My family, that is my life. Would love to make my writing more organized but well, I'm just too happy that I'm at least writing something. 
InsyaAllah would try to find the time to write more often so that one day, my girls.. or future children can have a glimpse of ummi's current life. Hope my friends who are reading this are doing well too.

Till then, take care. Assalammualaikum. :)

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Dear 'Aysha,

That's you, reading to your friends. I was washing the dishes and I heard you were speaking in different tones so I turned around, and found you doing this. Slowly, not to distract you, I pat my hands dry and grabbed my phone to take a snap. That's you, 'Aysha. A girl who lovesssss books, more than I thought you would! Your eyes would shine every time we read you one. You could even finish up the sentences of your favourite book, especially The Berensteins' On The Moon! You love that one.. And when we're too busy doing something else, you'd read the books by yourself and make your friends listen.

You also love following me to our centre every night. You'd get excited to wear your tudung and would ask to bring your bag. In class, you'd sit on your own high chair, and I'd give you your paper, pencil and eraser. Oh, I should never forget the eraser.. And you'd be alright, learning just like the other big kids. Your paper would be full of scribbles. I know you can't wait to write too. I bet you'd be a great writer.

Babah and me try really hard to be good examples to you because you sure like to copy us! You learn so fast too.. You'd be the one reminding us to read the doa before we eat and in the car. We'd ask you who makes the food yummy? And you'd say, "Allah..". So, when I'd be talking with Babah saying that the food is yummy, you'd say very loudly "ALLAH!", just in case we forget.You would now not go out of the house without your tudung, something that I didn't deliberately teach you but I guess it's just something that you want to do by yourself. You like to follow the way we walk, the way we put our hands when we talk, the way we sit, the way we do almost everything! It's so entertaining to watch.. You're observing and absorbing so many new things that go into your brilliant little head, developing your own world. We hope your world is as beautiful as ours, now that you are a part of it. 

My darling little girl,

Today, you are two years old. Sometimes I can't believe that you were once a baby, my little tiny baby.. Because now you seem so big, confident and brave! Subahanallah.. Allah has created you so well.
You are going to grow up and face so many other new things in your life. Some things will stay, like your Babah and my love to you. But some things can change. I want you to be strong and always remember that whatever happens, you have so many people who love you. And you should never ever forget, that you have Allah. Allah is always there. And Allah never disappoints. You should always remember that.

Happy 2nd birthday, sayang. No words can describe my love to you. I love you soooo much. So, so much. I pray every single day that you'll grow up pleasing Allah and be the best servant to Him. Grow well, my little beautiful girl. Till next time.

Hugs and sloppy kisses,


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

New Motivation

I was cooking, my husband came home from work, gave me an ice cream. He said, he got one at school. So he bought me one too. I grinned and wanted to take the ice cream when I saw a white envelope at his hand. Took it, and we looked at each other wide-eyed.

I felt like my body was being shot and I was left half-paralyzed. I felt like I was told by a doctor that I got cancer. I felt my heart shattering. I felt tears building. 

This can't be happening. Why now? After two years.. Why now?

What about Aysha, who I have been with for 24/7 ever since she was born? 
What about the new me, which I have started to really be confident with, has been my inner strength and brought me such peacefulness?

My head was spinning. I couldn't think. When I tried, tears just came in and didn't want to stop. 

I told my husband to do some amal and then try to mollify me, because at that moment, I felt like he was the only one who could understand how I felt. So he left for his solat Asar, came back and met me, who was still crying.

"Allah knows everything. Allah knows everything that we're going through. Allah knows everything in our hearts. We have Allah. And I will always support you, no matter what decision you make. Remember, our purpose in life is to please Allah. To live our lives according to the Quran and follow the Nabi's sunnah, to follow the ways of life of the sahabat rah. Whatever we do, it must be based on this. 

So now, I don't want you to think too much about this. Don't think too deeply and worry too much of what's going to happen. But to always remember Allah is always kind and always husnuzon to Allah. Allah chose to give us this test, and Allah can choose to take it back and solve it. What we can do now, is to do what Allah tells us to do. Take care of your amal, take care of your solat, your quran and zikir, your ta'lim, and your aurat. Do extra amal if you want to. And insyaAllah, Allah will take care of the rest. 

If you think too much about this and get worried and sad, it wouldn't solve anything. But be closer to Allah, and Allah will lead the way. Although we think we know what we want, actually Allah knows what's really best for us. We must however, always remember that the life of Rasulullah and the sahabats is the life that we want, but if we have tried our best to imitate them and idolize them, yet there are things that make us unable to do so, then Allah would know. Allah would understand. 

We'll do what they want us to do. I'll take a leave and go with you. But we'll be prepared with amal. We have Allah with us. I will support you. Then, we'll wait. InsyaAllah, don't worry.. Allah is with us."

I was still crying. But this time, my tears were of relief. I felt like a huge dinosaur was taken from my back. We'll still have to deal with this. But we have a plan, insyaAllah. We'll deal with it together. And those words of 'take care of amal' will be my new motivation.

InsyaAllah, I'm going to try to be strong. And I ask, anyone who's reading this to please make doa that we'll have the strength to face whatever that Allah has chosen for us. Jazakallah, may Allah bless you.

Dear husband, what would I do without you... I love you, forever.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Ramadhan 2014

After postponing about a gazillion events to write about, today I'll write simply because I want to.. and also because Aysha is now busy watching Upin and Ipin helping Tok Dalang at the durian orchard. And because the husband is already fast asleep.

So it's my favourite month of the year again, and it came so suddenly that I'm quite ashamed to admit that I wasn't really well-prepared. And now that I've got a hang of it, I suddenly realize it's already halfway! Subahanallaah.. you're leaving me so soon oh Ramadhan? Again, this year, am still nursing and yet alhamdulillah, Allah has made ease everything. 

This year too, my solat tarawih could be done more calmly as Aysha would be busy following me on her own pink sejadah. Her persistence would only last till the second rakaat though and off she goes with her little telekung trailing off her and she'll be playing with the things on the bookshelf. But no crying, alhamdulillah. Last year, I remember I'd perform my tarawih while anxiously knowing that she's crawling somewhere in the room, discovering something and just praying that it'd be interesting enough to keep her occupied until at least I reach my eighth rakaat. If it wasn't, you know, interesting enough, she'd cry her lungs out wanting me to take her and entertain her. But now, I could see she actually enjoys seeing me solat that long. My baby, all grown up..

I could go on and on about my daughter.... About how she's started saying real words now like "angyu"(thank you) or "moof" (move), or "tamm" (come), well they're not real words huh, but hmmm she's getting there. And how she clean up her toys after playing. How she'd listen wide-eyed to me or her babah reading her storybooks. How she can say her aliff ba ta's, and 123s. How she makes her sorry face when she knows she's done something that she shouldn't. How she reads her doa before eating. How she smiles... oh how she smiles...

To this date also, I have marked the date of my change for six months now. It has brought me so much joy, peace, and clarity of life and of who I am. I guess, the story would be mine to keep but I hope the happiness and gratitude that I feel because of it can be experienced by all the ladies in the world because truly it is a beautiful feeling.

I'm going to go check up on Aysha now. She has a time limit to watching that addictive cartoon. So I'll see you later, insyaAllah.. I hope.
May Allah grant us taufik and hidayah to perform the best for the remaining days of Ramadhan and the strength to be istiqamah with it for the rest of our lives, amin,