Saturday, December 29, 2007

I'm Allowed to Hope

i hope there could be more love. everywhere. just sweeeet love. no hatred. no green-eyed monsters. no back stabbers. no double faces. no more of that. just love. LOVE. love means honesty. love means trust. love means faithful. love means respect. love means understand. love means accept. that is love. lust is not love. physical attraction is not love. enjoy that person's company is not love.

i hope i could be less lazy. but hope is not enough, is it?

i hope i could be more confident and care less of what people think about me. i need to be me. nobody else. but that doesnt mean i dont accept criticism. i do. but be nice. i like nice people.

i hope i could be less sensitive. its not that i dont like this part of me that cares too much about other people and wanting to make everyone happy but its just that sometimes too much sensitivity hurts. so does that mean i can care less about the people i care? dont be stupid, azie. i dont like it when even the tiniest remarks ruin my mood. i dont like it when i get too easily offended. my soft spot too soft? but what about all those tantrums and screamings at the people i care? should my over sensitivity be blamed for that?   

i hope i could give more. give the things that i like instead of the things that i dont need anymore.

i hope i could be more brave. do public speeches. like i used to. minus the stutters.

i hope i could get in the dean's list next sem. i have to keep telling myself that i can and not finding excuses that i cant but at the end suddenly wish for a miracle to happen. there is no such thing as miracles, azie. its all what we put in.

i hope i could be more patient. the name expects me to.

i hope i could be a better morning person. i'm just so cranky in the morning that even i get annoyed with myself. i need to wake up with a smile and talk. i dont talk when i just woke up. not until i really have to talk.

i hope mus and so wouldnt have to be so far away from me. they're my everything. i hope i wouldnt miss them so much. missing them hurts.

so there they are. my hopes. i hope for a lot of things. but they're hopes. what are hopes without effort? its the effort that i need the most. thats the main thing that is lacking from me.

so yes, i am going to work hard for effort. then, all the hopes will come true. insyaAllah.

Happy New Year, friends! May Allah bless you all the way :)


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Go Away

i know it's not the end of the world. i can try next time. and try just a bit harder. just a tiny bit harder. God, i'm so regretting all this. i feel so bad. horrible. if only i could cover my ears when my friends discuss this. because im dead sure that they will discuss all this when we're back studying. im afraid i cant handle it. im sorry. i know i should be happy for all you great acheivers. but i cant. im jealous. awfully jealous. i mean how did you guys do it?! i've been studying my butt off but still, i failed. well maybe i didnt study that hard, but i did studied harder than usual. and thats actually a big thing for me. to study hard i mean. because im soooooo lazy. seriously i need to change. how can i expect Allah to help a lazy bum like me. i so have to change. i NEED to change. i've got to make that dream of mine come true. im worried. all of this is worrying me. i suddenly realize that if i dont change, than i would just be this loser forever. azie the loser. a big 'L' on my head. but really, Allah has been testing me a lot lately. i've been failing in a lot of things. and im not proud of them. of course im not proud of them. what am i saying. but dont worry, im not too frustrated to hang myself or something.

but i am frustrated. who am i going to blame for this exploding frustration deep inside me thats just waiting to erupt? who else but i. i who have this memorizing disability but was too lazy to reread the text books for a gazillion times. i who didnt even bother to do any notes or at least borrow people's notes. i who kept letting my brain go to another 'world' in class and daydream that i would marry you-know-who. i who would rather read Cleo than finish Pride and Prejudice (although i actually like that novel). i the loser.

i try to look at this failure in a positive way. you know, trying to be miss brightside. but the more i try to be positive, the more i'm frustrated with myself. i try to console myself by believing that i can do this if i just stop being so lazy. i mean, this is something that i like. something that im suppossed to be good at. and yet, i fail. what is wrong with me? this laziness has to go. go away lazy azie! go and never come back. please.

but although im frustrated. with myself. im accepting this failure as a challenge. a challenge to do better next time. and if i still fail, well im a loser. again. but maybe, just maybe Allah is trying to test me with all this failures so that i would remember Him more. remember as in pray more and zikir more and recite the Quran more. yeaaa, i think thats it. because when people keep getting everything that they want, they tend to forget where all of that come from and just feel full of themselves. thinking that their success come from their own brilliant brains and not because Allah is gracious enough to grant them that brilliant brain. forgetting their roots and just being snobbish.

or maybe im just simply finding excuses so that i wont feel so bad about me failing.