Sunday, December 16, 2007

Go Away

i know it's not the end of the world. i can try next time. and try just a bit harder. just a tiny bit harder. God, i'm so regretting all this. i feel so bad. horrible. if only i could cover my ears when my friends discuss this. because im dead sure that they will discuss all this when we're back studying. im afraid i cant handle it. im sorry. i know i should be happy for all you great acheivers. but i cant. im jealous. awfully jealous. i mean how did you guys do it?! i've been studying my butt off but still, i failed. well maybe i didnt study that hard, but i did studied harder than usual. and thats actually a big thing for me. to study hard i mean. because im soooooo lazy. seriously i need to change. how can i expect Allah to help a lazy bum like me. i so have to change. i NEED to change. i've got to make that dream of mine come true. im worried. all of this is worrying me. i suddenly realize that if i dont change, than i would just be this loser forever. azie the loser. a big 'L' on my head. but really, Allah has been testing me a lot lately. i've been failing in a lot of things. and im not proud of them. of course im not proud of them. what am i saying. but dont worry, im not too frustrated to hang myself or something.



but i am frustrated. who am i going to blame for this exploding frustration deep inside me thats just waiting to erupt? who else but i. i who have this memorizing disability but was too lazy to reread the text books for a gazillion times. i who didnt even bother to do any notes or at least borrow people's notes. i who kept letting my brain go to another 'world' in class and daydream that i would marry you-know-who. i who would rather read Cleo than finish Pride and Prejudice (although i actually like that novel). i the loser.



i try to look at this failure in a positive way. you know, trying to be miss brightside. but the more i try to be positive, the more i'm frustrated with myself. i try to console myself by believing that i can do this if i just stop being so lazy. i mean, this is something that i like. something that im suppossed to be good at. and yet, i fail. what is wrong with me? this laziness has to go. go away lazy azie! go and never come back. please.



but although im frustrated. with myself. im accepting this failure as a challenge. a challenge to do better next time. and if i still fail, well im a loser. again. but maybe, just maybe Allah is trying to test me with all this failures so that i would remember Him more. remember as in pray more and zikir more and recite the Quran more. yeaaa, i think thats it. because when people keep getting everything that they want, they tend to forget where all of that come from and just feel full of themselves. thinking that their success come from their own brilliant brains and not because Allah is gracious enough to grant them that brilliant brain. forgetting their roots and just being snobbish.



or maybe im just simply finding excuses so that i wont feel so bad about me failing.

2 comments:

  1. azie, its ok. there are 7 sems to go. i know this saying doesnt really make u feel better bcuz who doesnt want to succeed in the 1st semester kan and the fact that i hate it too eventho it should hv been a pep talk to myself, but the results are out and there's nothing u can do abt it, sadly enough. i feel like i failed too. i didnt get what i thought i would and i feel like screaming to those ppl who did great and shutting their yapper flappers. (my term for ppl who cant keep their good results to temselves.) i mean c'mon, shut IT!. sory lps geram kat sini plak hehe. its ok, we'll struggle for next sem :) cant wait 2 cu soon. and i promise not to talk abt THE RESULT. cu z that's d last thing i wanna hear too.

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  2. erm...i dunno what 2 say, but nashrah is right!

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