Monday, March 31, 2008


i still laugh at the memories. how it all evolved to what is was then and what is left now. not much is left. but what i got will remain close with me. you may think it was nothing. well it was something. but again, we cant get everything that we want. you would remind me, "life is not fair, azie."  well my dear, its true. life is not fair. :)

fate. should we blame it? it would be easier that way, wouldnt it? fate is the reason all this happened in the first place. so its all your fault, fate! bad bad fate! but then again, it would be such a foolish and childish act to just point the finger to fate. its like accidentally bumping your head at the wall and blaming it for being there.

fate is destiny. you cant change it. its like when you want to indulge in that last piece of your favourite chocolate but as it almost gets into your mouth, it slips from your fingers. yes, i could use all the will and power i have within me to change the things that i dont want to happen and things that just dont go my way. but the ending would eventually be the same. if we could accept that life is not fair, then we might as well accept the fact that fate is too powerful for us to change.

so the question is, why is fate so powerful, so unbeatable? because it comes from the All Mighty, of course. and we all know when Allah says "it will happen!", then it will surely happen. we just have to realize that we're these powerless beings that must go on with our lives whether we like it or not. it is only natural to be thankful to someone that grants our wishes. but what happens when things just go upside down? tough i know, but nothing should change. we should still say thanks. thanks for the failure that has opened up our eyes which have been blind for all this time. thanks for the opportunity to be with someone that brought us temporary joy and left a permanent scar at the end. being grateful at times when we should be sulking and blaming others(such as fate) is hard. i sometimes fail to do it. sulking is my expertise. but i try to be thankful. because its just the right thing to do. its as simple as that. and dear, you should too.

im sorry for what has happened now. but im not sorry for what had happened then. i learned a lot from you. more than you would ever know. and for that, im sorry for not being there now and i thank you for the opportunity to be where i was then.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My dear Penang

the general election is over. are people happy with the decisions they made? either we're happy or not, it wont change anything would it? the decision has been made and its final. well at least for these four looong years.

penangites. guess we're all happy now that our penang is safe and sound. everyone is happy and satisfied with the new leadership. everyone will now be treated with fair and justice. no more prejudice as everyone will be treated equally. we dont need DEB, do we? we dont need petty help like that. we're all rich people in penang. chinese, malays, indians. we're all malaysians. we are all one happy happy family. this morning, we did a family gathering near Komtar. we were all enjoying ourselves. laughing and sharing stories. until the police came and told us to go home. bad police.

we no longer have to worry about our public transport too. all rapid penang do is mess up everything. we dont need those buses. buses are for poor people. rather than paying RM2 to go to Queensbay with rapid penang, we would rather pay RM20 and ride the cab. we're all rich people, us penangites.

my dear penang, you're ok right? i know you're having fun with all these changes and i know that you're relieved that penangites are united more than ever now. dont worry, penang. we'll take care of you. we're alllll good people. very good indeed. you're in very good hands.
14th March 2008

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


im in this small room of ours. diana and syiqin are watching Ugly Betty at the living room. i was reading Atonement by Ian McEwan. stopped at chapter 3. love it so far. the language used is beautiful. i have the feeling that this book would be full of emotions. and i'll be sinking in with them.

the song thats playing now at my mp3 is When It Rains, Paramore. im surprised with myself for liking paramore. i dont listen to rock. not even linkin park. but i like paramore.

a person from the past suddenly called just now. the past seems to be so far away. yet the memories are near. i dont want it to be near. there should be a new phase between us. that is not tangled up between the past and the future. it should be about the new now. the past will stay in the past because thats where it deserves to be.

Leona Lewis's Here I am is playing right now. the lyrics i dedicate for my darlings that i miss every second- muslihah in indonesia and soraya in india.

my bus arrived here in shah alam at 4.15 am this morning. it was only a 4 hour ride from Penang! thats why i like konsortium. i didnt even realize that we had arrived until the bus driver woke me up with a aloud, "haa.. SHAH ALAM!". shocked, i woke up with eyes that were still blurry and tudung senget benget.

 i stopped and considered for 5 minutes at the bus station before moving to my house. it was dark and scary to walk alone. at instant, images of me being robbed, kidnapped or worse, raped (nauzubillah) went on and on in my mind. but then i couldnt wait there until 6 which is when people start to wake up to go to the surau or to work. that would take another two hours. i wouldnt want to waste two hours of precious slumber time. (see? sleeping beats the fear :p) so i gained the courage in me which was not much because i was actually still lalok.

with bismillah and endless zikir i walked as fast as i could. my right hand dragging my green bag which the wheels made a sound that could wake up the whole shah alam. my left hand holding on tight on my phone which i dialed in advance 991 just incase. if a creep suddenly appeared from nowhere and threatened to kill me or something i would just press the call button and scream where i was. yupp, that was my plan. but im typing this now. so alhamdulillah i arrived in one piece. :)

i think i wanna share a story. yesterday at penang; jeng jeng jeng~ :p

my brothers just got back from the masjid and found a guy in his 20s walking at our front lawn.

as my brothers approaced, the guy said, "pakcik makcik ada tak? nak jumpa depa sat,"

my brothers thought he was the plumber that my mom called earlier so they told her that the plumber is here. my mom was surprised to find out that he wasnt the plumber but the kid who just got out from prison 3months ago. he was a drug addict. he had met my parents before.

they were sitting outside on this one evening and saw him entering our lawn like it was his. his story was he just got out from prison and he didnt have any money to go back to his house and meet his family in taiping. my dad having that very big heart of his, sent him to the bus station. oh but before that, he gave that guy one of his ceramah. and said that if he was really regretful, he would go to the masjid and be a better person and all.

that was the last time he would come to our house. so thats what my parents thought until he suddenly appeared at our front lawn yesterday. this time he said he wants to meet my dad. he wants my dad's guidance. he said his family didnt accept him.

my dad was at work. so my mom went upstairs to give him a call. before my mom left, he asked for water. my mom gave him a glass of orange juice and spagetti that she cooked for brunch. i stayed behind the curtain and peeked. i watched his every movement. he swallowed everything in less than 5minutes. then he kept staring blankly at the floor. once in a while he would look at the shoe rack. but he kept staring at the floor. he said something. he was mumbling. i wanted to hear what he said so i moved closer to the window. i forgot that the window was not tinted. he saw me.

i ran upstairs and told my mom that he saw me peeking. my mom was still trying to reach my dad at the office. when she finally got him, he told my mom to tell that guy to go home. i went downstairs and peeked again. he was still there. my brother stayed in the living room with me. but he didnt peek. when my mom finally came down again, she opened the door and found out that he was gone. and it wasnt only him that was gone but my brother's new pair of converse shoes were gone as well.

so thats what he was staring at. the shoes were on the floor. my brother was outraged. he took one of my dad's golf stick and went on a hunt. my brothers and me drove around the area but he was nowhere to be seen. if we caught him, i was dead sure that his head would be smashed into pieces by my brother. perhaps thats the reason we didnt find him. he wouldnt be so lucky when he's burning in hell, though. The End.

moral of the story- dont trust strangers. honestly, tadi i wanted to write about something that is bothering me. but i end up writing about this. oh well. nak go back to Atonement. goodnight. :)

Monday, March 10, 2008

'Futuristic' Thoughts

its hard for me to fall. but when i fall, i fall hard. i guess its in my genes. we're all just mushy mushy people. the question is, am i falling? not sure. how can i be sure? will i ever be sure? im being this confused azie again. ughh.

i used to think that i would find The One at the surau. or masjid. you know, like after solat- me with my telekung and him with his white kepiah. stealing looks at each other shy shyly. until one day we meet at the college and somehow he ends up being a friend of a friend thus enabling him to get my number. then as i get to know him, i find out that he's a good writer. secretly he has written me a poem. especially for me. in that poem, he says his undying love for me is based on his love to Allah. oh and i forgot. he's a senior. about 3 years older. that means he graduates earlier than me. i am in my last year in tesl. he now has a great job (and a nice salary). he proposes on this one beautiful night with a sentence that melts my insides. we tie the knot and live happilly ever after. oh, you wish azie. :(

i know what i want. and i dont think im that choosy. physical is not an issue. except that he has to be atleast 1 inch taller than me. its the beauty in the inside thats important. yes, beauty. a guy is beautiful when he cares more for others rather than himself. a guy is beautiful when he smiles and listens rather than talk, nag and complain. a guy is beautiful when he can differentiate what is right and what is wrong and not be afraid to remind me if im wrong and to appreciate me when im right. a guy is beautiful when he has confidence. a guy is beautiful when he can appreciate those who i care. a guy is beautiful when he can cook! ;p a guy is beautiful when he is real and not pretend to be someone that he is not. a guy is beautiful when he makes me feel beautiful. tall, dark and handsome are bonuses. i wouldnt look for a guy that only has those criterias. for a crush, maybe. for a serious relationship. naaah.

but am i searching for The One? searching? hmmm. waiting? yes. i have this very conventional idea of falling. and i do mean VERY. i believe that a girl should never chase a guy. no matter how perfect he is. the first move should always be from the guy. maybe the girl can show some signs of interest but never make it obvious. i believe in fate. as in jodoh dah ditetapkan dari mula-mula dihembuskan roh. so if we're meant to be, then we're meant to be. why bother so much now when i know that when the time comes, everything will eventually develop. im a hopeless romantic 20 year old who has never had a boyfriend due to the fact of wanting to make the right choice as i want my first boyfriend to be the last or in other words my boyfriend has to be my husband. meaning there is no trial and error. he has to be The One. thats why when the guy pops the question, i back off. because im scared. i think too much. but then, theres this thing that bothers me. if i dont give it a try, how will i ever know that he's The One or The None? i will go on with my life wondering what would happen if i chose this instead of that. oh God, im such a coward.

again, im uncertain. im scared that i'll mess up. HELP! :S

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Judge Azie

it would be a lie to say that someone could be completely non-judgemental. everyone is judgemental. its just the matter of making it obvious or not. there are always the free thinkers. or those who call themselves liberal. and there is always the option of being hypocrites. but there is no such thing as being non-judgemental. its just becoming more evident now that its the pilihanraya season.

but we dont need pilihanrayas to show our true selves. we're judgemental human beings everyday. the goodies think the badies will go to hell for not doing good and the badies think the goodies think that they're going to heaven because they dont do bad but actually they're the real badies. see? we all have our own judgement of people. just when we think we've done a whole lot of favours to the world, we expect the world to smile back at us. eckk! we can smile to the world but the world may see that smile as a cover up from our wrong doings and not smile back.

we may not realize it. but we judge everything. the way she talks. the way she dresses. what music she listens to. where she hangs out. what she thinks about God. what she thinks about life. what she thinks about you.

accepting doesnt mean that we wont stop being judgemental. oh no, the judging never stops. high expectations can easily go down under when people judge too  much. thats why we need to lessen the judging. being judgemental can harm us. if its done too much of course. we can be open. but we have to know our stand and stick to it. let people be what they want to be. we have no right in judging them by our baseless assumptions. different does not mean bad. we may not share the same stand about certain things but thats what makes us interesting. same is boring, dunchathink? that also means we dont have to change to suit that person's interest or to suit the way that person perceives life. its important for people to have a lot of similarities in order to become an item. dr fadhilah khamsah even said that a couple has to have at least 15 similar characteristics to become happy. but he didnt say how many differences would it take to make a couple unhappy. thus, there could be as much differences as there could be. but a couple can still remain happy. right? im out of the topic. i was talking about judgemental tadi. okeh, so the point is, we are all different in someway or another. we see things from different perspectives. i have to respect yours and you have to respect mine. being judgemental is an option that we could choose to hide or show. either way, we are all judgemental. :D