Wednesday, July 23, 2008

At least I Have You

i have this problem. and its getting serious. no kidding.
when things go wrong and that person seems like i no longer have any sense of significance to him/her, and thus somehow manages to vanish me from his/her life which explains why him/her treats me like an invisible being, i'd do this stupidest thing. at first i'd go with the flow too. i'd play the blissful game of ignorance. retreating to the stage where we were strangers all over again. as if we never ever shared the simple relationship named friendship. oh yes, im talking about friendship here.

i'd be okay for awhile. like a month or so. and then there would be like this back-to-back scene playing in my mind. example: whenever i listen to that song i'd have this image of us singing to it and then laughing at our different versions of lyrics. or when i see that car, i remember you offering to pick me up or give me a ride when i really needed it. or when i see someone who has the tiniest similarity with you, i'd be looking at him/her twice. just to make sure that he/she's not you. oh but what makes things tougher for me is, its only the nice, sweet and happy things that keep replaying. the mean, selfish and irrational things i still remember but they're blurry and doesnt affect me as much. unfair.

and when the images of kindness reappears, i'd experience this feeling of guilt plus kerinduan. so i'd be finding excuses to make things okay again. which makes me wonder, why did all this happen in the first place?? we started as friends. im pretty sure that we both agreed on that. i mean, there wasnt any plan to change friendship into something else. atleast i made that clear at the early stage. because i worried that if i didnt, someone would get hurt. in fact, i think that was my exact sentence to you, wasnt it?

then, as the getting-to-know-you stage passed, and things went pretty good, the plan kinda changed. fast forward. we agreed and disagreed on several things. fast forward again. we found out that things werent going so well after all. and suddenly, i become an irritation. somebody that was ignored when seen "azie is online". or when i call or send SMSs. to tell you the truth, i dont understand why it has to be this way. if i knew that starting this relationship earlier would make us become strangers all over again now, i would have never even agreed to be friends with you. you know, friends dont back off on each other. boyfriends and girlfriends do when things dont go their way. because they had something very special that if they still keep in contact, it would hurt them. but friends, they fight and they make up. they dont turn into strangers. in fact, even certain exs still remain friends after having a bad break up. so why, im asking WHY would you have to back off completely now? honestly, i bug you that much??

and then there's this other situation. you come to me. after all this time. bringing me that feeling again. saying those words again. but in an improved version. a more mature one to be exact. and me thinking that im the Strong Azie. thinking i can handle this. its not going to happen like it did before. this time, its different. this time, its the truth. this time, im not being played. this time, i want to believe. and then, just as i fear. this time, its the same. this time, its a lie. this time, im the game. but again, this time, i believed.
im dissapponted in me more than you.

harsh world, huh? so what should i do? force myself to remember all the bad memories and shove away the nice ones? and have a very, very, very strong reminder of  how bad it hurts to get hurt? it sounds so much easier than it is.

but you know what, this is what happens to people that think too much about world matters. i know that there should be a balance. actually the balance means that the life hereafter should be the main concern. but whats happening to me now is the other way around. can i just blame the hormones? oh Iblis, i hate you.
forgive me, Ya ALLAH. :(

but you.. thanks for making me smile at the end of the day. :)


  1. Hurm....

    You know what Azie, I had the almost similar experience as yours dulu. It drove me nuts. I kept on thinking. The song we sang together, the places that we've visited, the TV shows that we enjoyed...blahblahblah. I came to realize that he/she's my best fren. But somehow, I forgot. I totally forgot this one thing. Saya tak sandarkan persahabatan ini pada Allah. Saya lupa. Saya betul-betul lupa.

    Ukhuwwah Fillah. Bersahabat kerana Allah. Tu yang terbaik. So, bila kita terpisah atau berpisah, kita taw yang kite ni bertemu dan berpisah kerana Allah. So, the wound won't get that bad. Kiranya, ape yang terjadi pada my fren and I tuh bagaikan satu 'tempeleng' from God across my face. To make me realize something that even more important than that.

    I wrote too long I think. Hahaha. That's all.. :P

    JazakAllah!! :)

  2. maybe u said or did something wrong kot to him/her?? did u offend the person in some way?? or are u guys playing that ego game?? well.. if u ask me, u can just give up.. or work things out for what it's worth! xD good luck!

  3. Alah SWT tidak akan menguji hambanya melepasi dari penerimaan kekuatan hambanya,kita nak keadaan berubah maka kita perlu berubah,ingat lagi mas kak piah nak kawin ngan abg ngah dulu,ada satu ayat dalam suruh baqarah- yang lebih kurang maksudnya "sesuatu yang kamu suka sgt itu belum tentu baik bagi kamu,tapi sesuatu yang kamu tak suka,itulah yang terbaik bagi kamu," Kerana nafsu iitu bertentangan dengan agama,jikalau itu nafsu,maka itu bukanlah agama,jiakalau kita buat sesuatu kerana Allah SWT dan agamanya maka itu adalah yang terbaik,dan apabila bila kita nak dapat yang terbaik maknanya Allah SWT sayangkan kita,dan dia akan menguji kita..

    "jikalau setiap pagi kamu membaca yassin,maka Allah SWT akan sempurnakan segala hajt kamu ari tu.." Ameen..


  4. Safiyah,

    saya setuju. Saya sambung sikit akhir ayat surah Al-Baqarah tu; "Dan Allah maha Mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui"


    So, be strong and anggap ini ujian dari Allah ok?!

  5. berkasih sayang lah sesama manusia kerana Allah..

    Walau apa pun, kita sebenarnya boleh ubah keadaan tu kan?
    Sebab Tuhan takkan mengubah kita kalau kita yang tak berubah.

    Dan. Suatu hari, hubungan itu akan datang kembali dengan rasa yang lebih istimewa. Jadi, Sabarlah. Kemanisan bersabar akan dinikmati selepas kita menempuhi kepahitan kesabaran tu!

    Jangan sedih sedih. Sayang sayang kamu kan dah nak balik Malaysia. hahahaha

  6. moja: kan? all of this happens because we forget. i do that too much. im such a forgetter. thanks for reminding me, moja. i need that alot. :) and the longer, the better!

    takazama: i think i only said something that could've hurt him because he said it to me first. seeing that he wanted everything to be blunt, i too said something clearly with very little sensitivity. if he was offended with what i said, i was deeply offended with what he said as well. i was only being fair. and no, im not playing the ego game. but maybe he is. :)

    redza: ofcourse im blaming me right now. and please, oh please dont think what i write is all about the HIM that you are talking about. i have other people in my life. :)

    kak piah: ya ALLAH, rasa berdosanya diri ni lepas baca apa yg kak piah tulis. memang sgt tepat utk azie. kawan azie pun ada bagi hadith yg sama n mmg azie tersedar. cuma azie cepat sangat lupa. lemah btul. perlukan support system cam kak piah dan kawan2 lain utk ingatkan azie. terima kasih. :)

    moja: thanks moja! insyaALLAH i will!

    jazli: memang benar kita boleh ubah keadaan. tapi apa yang kita tak mampu ubah ialah takdir. so utk yakin dengan takdir tu yg aku sgt lemah tu. :( ampunkan aku, YA ALLAH.
    oh mus sayang dah balik dah pun! so pun coming soon. oh yea!!