i have this problem. and its getting serious. no kidding.
when things go wrong and that person seems like i no longer have any sense of significance to him/her, and thus somehow manages to vanish me from his/her life which explains why him/her treats me like an invisible being, i'd do this stupidest thing. at first i'd go with the flow too. i'd play the blissful game of ignorance. retreating to the stage where we were strangers all over again. as if we never ever shared the simple relationship named friendship. oh yes, im talking about friendship here.
i'd be okay for awhile. like a month or so. and then there would be like this back-to-back scene playing in my mind. example: whenever i listen to that song i'd have this image of us singing to it and then laughing at our different versions of lyrics. or when i see that car, i remember you offering to pick me up or give me a ride when i really needed it. or when i see someone who has the tiniest similarity with you, i'd be looking at him/her twice. just to make sure that he/she's not you. oh but what makes things tougher for me is, its only the nice, sweet and happy things that keep replaying. the mean, selfish and irrational things i still remember but they're blurry and doesnt affect me as much. unfair.
and when the images of kindness reappears, i'd experience this feeling of guilt plus kerinduan. so i'd be finding excuses to make things okay again. which makes me wonder, why did all this happen in the first place?? we started as friends. im pretty sure that we both agreed on that. i mean, there wasnt any plan to change friendship into something else. atleast i made that clear at the early stage. because i worried that if i didnt, someone would get hurt. in fact, i think that was my exact sentence to you, wasnt it?
then, as the getting-to-know-you stage passed, and things went pretty good, the plan kinda changed. fast forward. we agreed and disagreed on several things. fast forward again. we found out that things werent going so well after all. and suddenly, i become an irritation. somebody that was ignored when seen "azie is online". or when i call or send SMSs. to tell you the truth, i dont understand why it has to be this way. if i knew that starting this relationship earlier would make us become strangers all over again now, i would have never even agreed to be friends with you. you know, friends dont back off on each other. boyfriends and girlfriends do when things dont go their way. because they had something very special that if they still keep in contact, it would hurt them. but friends, they fight and they make up. they dont turn into strangers. in fact, even certain exs still remain friends after having a bad break up. so why, im asking WHY would you have to back off completely now? honestly, i bug you that much??
and then there's this other situation. you come to me. after all this time. bringing me that feeling again. saying those words again. but in an improved version. a more mature one to be exact. and me thinking that im the Strong Azie. thinking i can handle this. its not going to happen like it did before. this time, its different. this time, its the truth. this time, im not being played. this time, i want to believe. and then, just as i fear. this time, its the same. this time, its a lie. this time, im the game. but again, this time, i believed.
im dissapponted in me more than you.
harsh world, huh? so what should i do? force myself to remember all the bad memories and shove away the nice ones? and have a very, very, very strong reminder of how bad it hurts to get hurt? it sounds so much easier than it is.
but you know what, this is what happens to people that think too much about world matters. i know that there should be a balance. actually the balance means that the life hereafter should be the main concern. but whats happening to me now is the other way around. can i just blame the hormones? oh Iblis, i hate you.
forgive me, Ya ALLAH. :(
but you.. thanks for making me smile at the end of the day. :)