there are some things that i will just never be sure of. not sure if i want to know the truth behind everything. sometimes its just better to be in the state of not knowing. but there are some things that im just dying to know but i end up not knowing because i pretend too hard that i dont care. but there are also some things that are just not worth knowing. things that seem to be important but actually are not.
i wish i could just write everything here. make everything public. let everyone know what i think. what i feel. what i want to do. but life is not that easy. people just have to be protective sometimes. and not be too obvious. but maybe im just thinking too much again. critical. ive been getting that alot these days. people have been saying im critical. am i really that critical? well yea, i like to think about stuff. stuff that bother me. and stuff that may have hurt other people. but who doesnt kan? maybe i think about it more la kut. its just who i am. i like to think over the things that i said that may have effect other people negatively and i like to think hard about the consequences of my actions. if i do this, what would happen? and what would happen if i did this instead of that. you know, thinking about the possibilities. yeaa, i guess thats it. i like to think about the possibilities that i have in making choices. i like to be able to know all the options that i have in making decisions so that i can compare and choose the best ones. but do i always make the right desicions? well not really. sometimes i dont choose at all.(haha. coward.) and i dont really like to fill myself with misery for making the wrong decisions. but i do feel bad sometimes. it doesnt last very long though. i learn from mistakes but i dont dwell on them. so maybe critical is not the word. sensitive. thats more like it. :)
yeaa, its just easier that way kan? to not make any decisions. let things happen naturally. naturally as in let Allah show me the way. 'dengan izin Allah'. what does it actually means? the phrase that we always use. i think it means to let things happen if Allah lets it happen but it doesnt mean that we should make zero effort in trying to do it. 'insyaAllah' is doing something with the permission of Allah plus our effort. but we all know that if Allah says no, then its a no. and its the same the other way around. so instead of guessing which of my options is a 'yes' or a 'no', i choose to say insyaAllah. not as an excuse. but as letting some things happen naturally. if its meant to happen, then it'll happen. sometimes i dont know whats best for me. but Allah does.
a lot of things has happened in this past month. a lot of sweet ones. i tell mama everything and she said the same thing happened to her when she was my age. its all part of growing up. i know that she trusts me. thats why i can tell her anything and everything. God, i love her.
studies have been okay i guess. ive changed my learning style this sem. its all part of the 'azam baru'. been avoiding procastinating assignments and have been making sure that my lecturers recognize my face. been sitting in the front row and have been giving active responses. yupp. me in the front row. haha. how ive changed.
well, life is all about changing, isnt it? NOT! haha. taraa~ ;p