I feel guilty. No, I am guilty. God, its horrible. I experience that sinking feeling a lot. But this, oh this is- I don't even know what this is.
If only, there's some way, just one possible way of making this easy. My heart- its like a whole classroom of students speaking at one time. Its like the mixture of carrot, cabbage and mayo in a coleslaw. Its like almond london, samprit and batang buruk mixed all together in one cookie jar. You get me, don't you? You always do.
Why do I get excited and sad at the same time? Should I feel like that? I mean, do you feel like that? Could I just have a peek inside to find out?
This shouldn't be so hard right? I mean, this is just me right? It shouldn't be so complicated. Its just me speaking too much to myself. I'm just worrying myself that I'm not making any sense. I mean, you're okay right? You're smiling aren't you? Yes, its just me. Silly me. You smile, I smile. Oh, with a smile like yours, how could I not?
How could anyone be created like you? I know that Allah's amazing. But you, you're just awesome. How could anyone be as patient as you? How could anyone be so kind? How could anyone put up with someone- well, someone like me? Ya Allah, thank you.
I know that I havent been the best for you. I don't even understand how you could end up being with me in the first place. I mean, you. You're an angel. Stop saying you're not. Because you are. It frightens me what this would lead to. It frightens me to know that I'm not good enough. It frightens me to know that I have the ability to hurt you. I've never been this scared. Would you forgive me if I can't make you smile like you do? Would you?
I wonder will these questions in my head ever stop multiplying. You manage to answer them sometimes. Actually, you always do. Always satisfying me. But then new ones keep coming in and I worry- I just worry that you'll get tired of answering. Will you get tired? I could hardly imagine you ever will. But will you?
I'm praying that one day, I'm going to look you in the eyes. It'll just be me and you then. And I'll tell you every single thing that I'm feeling. I'm not going to speak in codes anymore. Nope, no more "apa Azie cuba nak bagitau ni?". I'm going to talk talk and talk. And you'll listen listen and listen. And you're going to give me that smile of yours. And you don't even have to say anything. You just look at me and smile. And just knowing that you are there, just knowing that I can tell you everything, it'll make me the happiest person in the world. And you just wait, I'll make sure I'll return the favour. I will. Yup, that's a promise.