I'm not proud about it, but you know how great I am at procrastinating, so now that the days have become a single digit, I've practically had no time at all to just sit and do nothing because there is so much to do! In fact, the whole family has been rushing here and there trying to get things done. The TV hasn't been on for more than a month, I think. Really, every minute counts.
But somehow throughout these hectic days, as I deal with things that are easily settled and some which require me to istighfar a million times first before they would finally work out, I manage to calm myself by thinking, "This is actually happening. A dream is coming true" And I hear a voice (that comes from someone who has a long beard) saying, "It's going to be okay", alhamdulillah, life's good again. One day, I'll look back and remember these moments and when that happens, I want to remember myself smiling and trying to do the best I can, and not see an image of a Bridezilla. Because that was the first thing that I vowed not to become when all of this started.
Friends and dear readers, please make do'a for us so that everything goes well and most important, that Allah bless not only our wedding but also our marriage.
P/s: Here are the newly weds. There was a really big dust in my eyes that day. :')
Have you ever had a friend that does laundry for you? And I mean from putting everything in the washing machine to drying and folding? Have you ever had a friend that each time she goes to buy lunch, she'd text/call you first to ask if you want anything too? Have you ever had a friend that when you feel like letting your heart out, she'd be there all ears, and making you feel so understood? And when you cry and be all embarrassed, she would make you feel okay because well, her eyes are wet too. Have you ever had a friend that buys lots of fruits but specifically buys more papaya, just because she knows it's your favorite? Have you ever had a friend that when you're sleeping, she'd try her best to move and find something in the room without turning the lights on because she knows it'll interrupt your sleep? Have you ever had a friend that when you borrow her money because you forgot to bring your purse and promised to pay her back but just somehow it slipped your mind, and one day you remember it again, and tell her you want to pay for it, she would just say, "Oh, it's okay. You've paid it already."? Have you ever had a friend that always, and I do mean always ask for your opinion on anything and whatever that comes out from your mouth seems significant to her to be trusted and appreciated? Have you ever had a friend that when someone says bad things to you, she'd be there to have your back no matter what? Have you ever had a friend that when you experienced an allergy and was itching all over for almost an hour, she was there with you every second and helping you to put on lotion until you were okay again? Have you ever had a friend that when you share deep secrets and expect them to be just between the two of you, it stays exactly so? Have you ever had a friend that doesn't just says yes when invited to do something fun, but also is with you to do something more mujahadah? Have you ever had a friend that is not only a friend to you, but is actually a sister? Have you ever had a friend that when you look at her, it reminds you of Allah?
Because if you do, you'd know how lucky and blessed I feel. Alhamdulillah.
Dear Syiqin and Diana,
As we said goodbyes during our convocation last week, it kinda hit me, that we're really going to live far away from each other now. It brought me to tears but knowing that we're connected by Deen, convinced me that we'll see each other again throughout our lives. You guys have literally been with me in thick and thin, five years to be exact, and witnessed my good and lotssss of my bad. But not once, have you given up and leave. Or sulk in that matter. And to be with me, as in studying and living with me, I know, was not easy. I've learnt so much from you, more than you two can imagine. And insyaAllah, all of that will go into your pahala account. Thank you for accepting me, trusting me, and loving me. Only you two really know how I'm really like at home, so please don't share silly stories about Auntie Azie to entertain your kids one day haha. I don't really know how to say how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life, except to just keep on praying that you'll always be happy, successful duniya and hereafter, get husbands that do the work of Rasulullah (and get married soon), and always, always be blessed by Allah. Amin.
I love you Diana and Syiqin. You're not only my classmates, my housemates, my bestfriends, my sisters, but you're also my sahabats dunia akhirat.
p.s: It's okay, I'll lose. I'm admitting I miss you guys first. :P
I open my blog and I want to write. But I don't really know what to write. Soooo many things in my mind right now. So I'll just do this instead. Because it has been awhile. Found it from Nashrah and.. yeah.
1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? - Yes. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? - Nope, am not a cougar.
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? - I can't really remember.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? - Yes, usually at older aunties.
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? - There shouldn't be. 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? - Haven't really heard a song today. 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? - Batwings. 8. How often do you listen to music? - Usually in the car to prevent me from dozing off.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? -Neither. 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? -Yes, I do. InsyaAllah. 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? -.Depends on the people and situaton. Oh, and my mood too. But I don't think I'm antisocial. 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘B’? - 'B' for.. 'Bantal Bucuk'? Nope, just hug it. 13. What about ‘S’? - Nope. 14. Can you drive a stick shift? - .Googled and it actually means 'manual cars'. Only when I was taking my license. Admire girls who can. 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? - Yes, especially if they don't know me. 16. Are you going out of town soon? - Next week, yes. For my convocation! :D 17. When was the last time you cried? - Just now.
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? - Yes. 19. If you could change your eye color, would you? - Don't think I would. 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? - Boy? Yes, my son would be the first. 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. - Had to clean cat's pee. And it's not even our cat. 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? - I think so. Not so much in front of people, though. 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? - Nope. 24. What are you sitting on right now? - A blue chair. 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? - Yes. I'm blessed. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? - No, not really. 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? - Big bro. 28. Do you get a lot of colds? - Nope, alhamdulillah. 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? - .Not sure. Indonesia? Oh, and this is more than a shirt. 30. Does anyone hate you? - I hope not.
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? -The only bottles I have in my room are lotion bottles. 32. Do you like watching scary movies? - I do! Cinemax are having lots of scary movies now since it's October. 33. Do you want your tongue pierced? - No. 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? - I prefer not to. Then, I'd be like dead on that year or something? 35. Did you have a dream last night? - .Yes, there was some school friends. 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? - This afternoon. 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? - Yes, I do. Amin. 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? - Yes, I do. 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? - Yes, I do. 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? - Yesterday was a normal day. But yeah, it was good. 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? - Yes. 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? - Virtually, yes maybe. 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? - Uhuh. 44. What’s the best part about school? - Friends! And talking when the teacher isn't looking. 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? - Of course. 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? - Ohh, those were the days. :) 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? - Yes, this is something I'm very good at. Is it healthy? 48. Were you single over the last summer? - When's summer?
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? - It was 2009. Well, so much has happened ever since. But, life has still been awesome. Alhamdulillah. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? - You tell me. 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? - No. 52. Are you nice to everyone? - Not really. I was mean to that cat that peed. But I think I'm a nice person. 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? - Uhuh. 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? - Honesty is the best policy. And yes, with the right person, insyaAllah I could last for eternity. 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? - If I choose to, very. 56. Do you think you like someone? - I don't think so. I know so. 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘T’? - Tok? Yes! 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? - Girls. 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? - Yup. Only very close ones. 60. Do you hate anyone? - Not really. 61. How’s your heart? - It's beating that's for sure. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? - Yes, but I've managed to erase most of them. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? - Uhuh. 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? - I don't think there is. 65. Are your toenails painted pink? - Nope, they're naturally pink. 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? - No, it won't. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? - Incorrect. Why would girls love it if their boyfriends are sad? 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? - Nauzubillah, no. Hahaha 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? - Mama. 70. How do you look right now? - How do you look right now? 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? - Yup, and isn't that the best? 72. Can you commit to one person? - Wholeheartedly. 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? - Define everything. 74. Have you ever felt replaced? - To the left.. To the left.. Hehe nope, I'm irreplaceable. 75. Did you wake up cranky? - Not today, no. 76. Are you a jealous person? - Sometimes. When I think I deserve to. 77. Are relationships ever worth it? - Of course. One would be lonely without relationships with family, friends, etc. 78. Anyone you’re giving up on? - No. 79. Currently wanting to see anyone? - Oh, very much. 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? - Tomorrow's Friday. So, hmmm, cut my nails. And recite the selawat 80 times after 'Asar. 81. Last person you cried in front of? - Mama. 82. Is there someone you will never forget? - Yup, there are many people who are permanently nailed in my heart. 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? - Uhuh. And that's good. 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? - Smile. 85. Are you over your past? - Which one? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? - I like all my best friends. If not, they wouldn't be a best friend. :) 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? - Define EVERYTHING. 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? - Why would the person apologize with presents? 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? - You mean, Mama? Why would I not let her in? It's her house. 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? - Hehe yes, used to. 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? - Yes, still. 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? - Michael Jackson. 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? - Really, what's with the kissing questions? No, nevah. 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? - Yes. 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? - March? Yes, very happy. 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? - Why would I tell you lies? My Mama is very attractive. 97. Who do you have texts from? - Today? Mama, Papa, big bro, Diana, Muslihah. 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? - Like as in? 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? - Yes, Opah and Tok are very much older than me.
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? - No one. 101. Ever kissed under fireworks? - Should I? 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? - Lotsa butterflies. Purple ones.
Tomorrow the study week for my students will start. Yesterday I had my last class with all the three groups that I taught. A year ago, the same thing kinda happened. I left my first ever school students after being with them for almost 4 months. And yesterday it was with my first ever university students. After teaching them since June. So yeah, being me, my heart was making its cracking sound inside. I must learn to not get so attached. It's hard, really. After trying to relate and understand their needs for the past few months. To know all their names so well and even recognize their handwriting. To know the ones who are fluent in speaking and struggle with writing. And the ones who write so well yet are shy when speaking. The ones who create new words in their essays which makes me laugh everytime. The ones who are so obsessed with their marks. The ones who don't care at all. The ones who hide each time I call out for a volunteer. The ones who immediately raise their hands when I call out for a volunteer. The ones who would doze off. The ones who would stare wide-eyed and nod excitedly each time they understand something new. The ones who would be in class waiting with the text book opened even before the class time. The ones who would arrive 30 minutes late with swollen eyes. The ones who'd just stare blankly at me. The ones who'd stare too deep and make me kinda scared (haha). The ones who'd keep texting and check their facebook with their Blackberrys. The ones who laugh at my jokes. The ones who didn't even listen to my jokes. The ones who made me frustrated, sad, and angry. The ones who made me laugh, happy and touched. My students were such a bunch of different individuals! It wasn't easy. I spent countless nights sleeping late, searching the web and just racking my brain trying to figure out the most interesting lessons for them. You know, so that their eyes wouldn't get heavy. Or so that they wouldn't fly to lala land. I wasn't the best lecturer that they had. It was my first time, after all. But if only they know how much fun I had with them. How much I learnt from them. How much I wanted and tried to share everything I know with them. Telling them things that my lecturers didn't tell me. Telling them things that I didn't know when I was in their place but should have known. How much I really do want them to succeed. Not just by getting an 'A' but really, just really succeed in life. I just hope they do.
I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I'll miss them.
Am tired after a very hectic yet joyous weekend. Upon returning from Kedah, the essays are quickly read and checked and even, reread. And all the tiredness is gone when seeing how much they have massively improved. I am happy. And relieved.
When I was still studying.. Was. Yes, it has been awhile. When I was still studying, I used to take lots of bus rides. To move about in Shah Alam or even go to KL. And then there were the 5 or sometimes 6 hour bus rides back home to here. I usually take the night ones because I despise having to endure those long hours just sitting or sleeping uncomfortably during the day. So I take the night ones, usually at 11.30pm and make sure that I tire myself during the day so that when I really do get into the bus that night, I would eventually be able to force myself to fall asleep. It works that way.
But when it didn't, like on rare situations that I had to take the day rides because the night ones were sold out, or I had a long nap during the day and was just not sleepy enough, or if the driver was just driving too slow that I feared we'd not make it for Subuh, or if he turned on some very annoying dangdut songs loudly that even if I slept, they would bother me in my dreams, I would not be able to doze off. I'd sit there wide awake, bored to death, and look at the road. And when I got tired, I just practically stared anywhere.
So it was that one afternoon, failing to sleep, or find entertainment on the phone because the battery was dying, I looked up straight and saw the digital clock that the buses would have at the front. I usually don't trust those clocks because for some reason they're never really accurate. And I like my clocks to be very accurate. So anyway, because it was starting to get dark outside, and the bus driver didn't bother to turn on those small reading lights, the only thing that I could see in that darkness, was the clock. The red numbers were shining brightly as if asking everyone to pay attention to it. Only to it. And so I did. I stared at it looking at the red lines changing shapes into different numbers. The dots in the middle constantly blinking. And at that moment, I realized. Time.
Time moves. Just like that. The dots blinking 6o times and the number changes. And changes and changes and changes. It doesn't stop. Well, unless the clock's broken or the batteries expire. But time, it still goes on leaving us. The second that I took to type this 'A' will never return to me. It just passed and it'll not come back. I could type as many 'A's as I want, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. There. But it won't be the same with that 'A' up there. That 'A' was in the past and these A's in the future will be in the future.
I just turned 23 a week ago. 23. Twenty-three. I'm still trying to swallow this. Yes, I'm one of those people who think of birthdays as one of the hugest things in the world. I regard it so largely that I don't think other people quite get it. How could a date that signifies you have turned a year older be that significant to me? I don't think I quite get it either. But it just does. Even seeing the word 'August' brings me a certain jolt of excitement. Birthdays. I love them. And I want every birthday for as long as I live to be the best day of my life. I want to get wishes. I want to get hugs and kisses. And I want people to know that 23 years ago, an amazing woman gave birth to me. Why? Because it's mine. The day, that whole day, from 12am to 11.59pm, is my day. Do I not get to feel that way? Is it too much? Am I being selfish? Childish, in fact? Well, so be it. Because I want this selfish and childish side of me to stay so that I could cherish the fact that I'm given another year to live and to grow and to learn, and be a better person. InsyaAllah.
I love birthdays. And everyone's birthday should be special. This year, mine was. With the absence of several important people in my life. But nevertheless, it was special. Simply because Allah still gave me the opportunity to experience it. That itself is the best gift ever. Will there be more? We'll never know, will we? But as the red lines change shapes again, I just hope being a year older and please Ya Allah, wiser and more mature, I would appreciate all the people around me and be a better servant to You. Because there's nothing worse than waking up in the morning with the feeling of pure regret for letting a short yet important second pass by so lightly, so hastily.
Today my dad's office had a Family Day at Batu Feringhi. The food was plenty and you know how much I love beaches. It was nice. It was just really nice.
I don't know if it's me aging or it's just me being melodramatic as always, but lately I've been savoring every moment that I'm having with my family. I guess I've always been the clingy type compared to my brothers, wanting to tag along wherever my parents go. But as life evolves and just realizing that you can't turn back time, I just feel like every second is important.
I catch myself stealing glances at them; watching them eat or speak or even sleep. And besides taking lots of photos and videos, I'm just literally capturing the moments in my mind and heart. I want to remember everything. How my dad always gives us the fruit that he's peeling before peeling and eating it for himself. How my mom always smell of flowers without having to wear any perfume. How my big brother does that laugh and I would laugh hear him laughing. Or how my little brother always cook sliced sausages with omelets and save some for me.
30 years from now, insyaAllah, if I'm still here and breathing, I would want to still remember all the small things and smile knowing that Allah has given me such a wonderful life filled with amazing people. Ever since graduating, I've been staying at home with my family and it's just so nice to be really home again. I've been living away in hostels since 13 so being here with them again is just so nice. So nice, Ya Allah. Monday will be the starting of the long awaited Ramadhan, and being home to sahur, cook and ifthar together is just a blessing. Alhamdulillah.
I know that I'll be away again soon. But being with them now is just something that I'm so grateful for. They are my everything. They are my home.
Salaam Ramadhan, everyone. Lets make every second count to bring us closer to Allah. InsyaAllah. :)
"Macam bila Azie mintak air suam, Azie akan dapat air and gelas dia sekali. Tapi kalau Azie just mintak gelas, Azie takkan dapat air sekali. Macam tu jugak, kalau kita doa untuk kepentingan dunia je, Allah akan bagi untuk kita kat dunia je. Tapi kalau kita mintak untuk ahirat, Allah akan bagi untuk akhirat and dunia. Kita tak sangka dengan just istighfar, Allah akan murahkan rezeki kat dunia. Tapi itulah Allah. Hebat kan?"
Ten years back, oblivious to what I was getting myself into, I entered a fully residential school or SBP. During the first few weeks there, I was called by the school counselor to discuss some issues. He told me to sit in front of him and the first question he asked me was,
"What's your ambition, 'Azieyati?" "I want to be a teacher." "A teacher? And teaching what?" "English. I want to be an English teacher." And what came out of his mouth afterwards was so simple yet so significant to me for it to be remembered till now. He asked, "Then why are you here? Why are you in a Science school? You should go to a normal school." I remember looking at his face and say, "Well, I'm here already. I'll do my best."
I have always wanted to be an English teacher. For as long as I remember. I think it was when I was still in primary school that my mom introduced me to the word, TESL. And ever since, TESL has been my aim. I've never imagined myself wanting to do anything else than teach. It was in that Science school where I realized I was different. First, the counselor made it obvious. Then, in class when my friends and I were told to introduce ourselves and tell our ambitions, I realized that most of them wanted to be doctors or engineers. And me, as usual, with a surprise face, the teachers would ask the same question, "English teacher?"
My school days were okay. I was never on the top list. But as much as I was surrounded with amazingly brilliant friends who I have always admired for owning the ability to solve equations like it was a fun crossword puzzle and actually like learning chemistry, I was.. well, different. I cringed at the thought of having to endure three hours of chemistry and physics(I actually liked biology). And add maths? Let's not even go there. But, English. Well, English made me smile. I love everything about it. And Allah being as fair as He always is, made me have that specialty. I could offer no academic assistance whatsoever to my genius friends except for English. And I loved doing it. I loved checking their essays and explaining to them how they could improve. I loved being the walking dictionary. I loved being good at something I love. I loved being special. Teaching English made me feel that way.
And so when I left the Science school and was actually given the chance by UiTM to pursue my studies in TESL, it actually felt like I was dreaming. I remember back in UiTM Melaka where I did my pre-degree in TESL and it was writing class, we got our writing text book. And flipping through the pages, I was actually beaming with excitement. "I am going to learn writing. Writing!" And then, there was speaking class, reading class, and my friends actually spoke in English with me! I get to present in English! I get to read novels, poems and even write them myself! No more science and maths! It was, for the past five years, an amazing experience.
Looking at my description here on the right, "Final year B.Ed TESL student who could write for hours as long as it's from her heart."I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Although classes have ended back in April, I've been reluctant to change it as I was afraid that my results wouldn't allow me to graduate. But alhamdulillah, Thank You Allah, last night UiTM sent good news and I must say the speedy email method is very impressive! Although it does feel sad to leave UiTM Shah Alam and my life as an undergraduate behind, life goes on. And so will the description of me.
Studying English and teaching has always been my dream and though there were ups and downs throughout the years, there has not been one second that I regret doing it. Day by day, the lecturers and the classes that I go through, not to forget the friends who have always been my side, have made me fallen deeper and deeper in love with teaching English. The knowledge, experiences and hardship have shaped me to be the English educator that I am today. I'm not sure if I'm good at it yet, since it's all so new. But am I happy? Yes, passionately happy. I'm living my dream. How could I not?
Life. How could I ever define you? Sometimes I'm just dead sure about something and sometimes I'm not. I plan things and make sure that everything's going to happen just as I plan them, but the opposite happens. And at times, I just secretly bury deep a hope, a dream, that I have forever longed for but seems so hard to achieve, and at that moment of acceptance, that wish just suddenly comes finding me. I don't think I could ever find the right words to describe my life, or even myself. But what I am certain is, life is amazing. It is, when I've really learnt to understand that Allah knows best.
I'm not saying that I've achieved that state, though I pray that I will one day. But as I learn to, and be with people who remind me of this, I just find life to be more and more peaceful. I am grateful and happy to admit that I've passed the stage of wanting to impress people with what I have or what I can do. I mean, I won't be wearing rags to the mall or something like that, but it's just that I've begun to understand that what makes me happy has nothing to do with how great I may look in front of people-- how posh my clothes are, how big my car is, how great I am at playing tennis (haha, I don't even play tennis) or things like that.
Perhaps most of you have learnt this ages ago, but this fresh piece of knowledge is new to me; impressing people does not make me happy. It just doesn't. Especially regarding the physical things. First, it's all from Allah. And second, it's all from Allah. So, who am I to go flashing what I have and take credit or worse, be a big-headed snob for being lent all this?
All of this did and have not come all at once. I have so much to learn! And for the things that I have learnt, I'm only beginning to digest it bit by bit. Such level of self-acceptance and the willingness to live life in moderation will require sacrifice and of course, much more dates with Allah. So, pray for me friends because I have a strong feeling that that's the life I want to live.
Whoever tries to please Allah (by obeying Him) and displeasing the people, then Allah will be pleased with him and He will make the people pleased with him. And whoever displeases Allah just to please the people; Allah will be displeased with him and Allah will cause the people to be displeased with him too. -Prophet Muhammad SAW.
Sometimes, just sometimes I think I'm the most annoying, irritating, childish, attention-seeking girl alive(with you, at least). Believe me, it is not intentional. And deep inside I worry that you notice it too. And you know, turn your back on me. But you never do. You notice it of course and I know there are times that you take a deep breath and calm yourself before saying anything to me. Not that I have ever seen you do it but I imagine you must have. Yet, you're here. Still smiling patiently and telling me everything's going to be okay. You're just amazingly amazing. You know that? You are. You accept me as I am. At my good and oh yes, at my bad. For that, and a lot of other things, I thank you. I can't imagine ever not having met you. Thank You. :')
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