Monday, November 12, 2012


Are you hot or are you cold? Is the light too bright? Did you have enough milk? Is there a mosquito in your kelambu? To put on your blanket or not to put on your blanket? To cover just your legs or your whole body? Or leave your hands out? Is your diaper too tight or too loose? Should you wear a hat? Why are you not sleeping? Do you like baby powder on your body or do you feel fresher without it? How about lotion? Why is your poo poo green? Is my phone ringtone bugging you? Do you need a soother? Are your socks too tight? Is it the cheese? Or orange? Is minyak yu yee too hot for you? Do you like your shirt?  Is the water warm enough? Why are you not burping?

Dear 'Aysha,

I'm so new to this, I'm surprised that you still  manage to give me your sweet smile. If only you could answer these questions and help ummi to take good care of you. I'm lucky to have your Opah here who has helped to make you stop crying and fall asleep many times when I fail to. And once in awhile when your Babah is here, he'd be giving you his calming 'Laailahaillallah lullaby' too. Your Pakude Aiman has surprisingly been good at dozing you off as well. I'm thankful to them and I'm sorry that I sometimes don't know what to do.. I really am trying my best though. But 'Aysha, it's okay that you can't answer all of my questions now. Just later, when you're big enough to understand all this, I'll be asking you another question-

"Do you love me, 'Aysha?"

And I sure pray, that you'd still give me that sweet smile and say, "I love you, Ummi."



Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Gift (Part 1)

Baby 'Aysha is hungryyyyy
She cries to call her ummiiiii
But her eyes are still very sleepyyyy
Milk makes her very happyyyy

I would never have thought that I'd be the kind of mommy who makes on-the-spot random silly songs to her baby.

Ya Allah, I love her. Every single tiny cell of hers.

p/s: will write more soon! :)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Almost There

A few weeks ago, I woke up to light blue curtains that became the only layer of privacy that I was given. 'Woke up' is  also a more positive way of seeing it as I  could hardly get any sleep for the first few days. The food was surprisingly acceptable though it may be because I was just always hungry and I'm not just a fussy eater. And I became very appreciative for the clothes they provide because first, the pink was so pretty and second, because I don't have to wear my own clothes that will then need washing, etc. I was pretty much healthy except for being monitored because of PPROM, but besides that, I felt like I could still run a marathon. Okay, so maybe walk a marathon. But nevertheless, compared to the other four mommies in the room, it seemed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. So every morning, when the MOs and the specialists made their rounds, I'd make sure that I looked as fresh as I could and tell them everything's fine. When I've convinced them that, I'd manage the biggest smile and ask, "So doctor, I think it's okay for me to go home, right?" And all of them would say they'd want to monitor me for a few more weeks which is until the baby is ready for labour or considered full term.

Yes, I was scared for an unexpected early labour. But at the same time, I felt like crying knowing that I had to live in that tiny space for several more weeks. Don't get me wrong, it was okay, I brought lots of books, and there was even a TV in our room, and the nurses were extra nice, but it wouldn't be the same with the comfort at home. I had to cover my aurat 24/7 because visitors and male doctors could come any minute, and just lying on the bed all day made my back hurt! I'd steal some walks to go look at other mommies in the other wards, and even went upstairs to get a glimpse of the newborn babies in the special unit (which I was then denied entrance to because I was not a parent haha), but still it wasn't the same with being at home.

I guess deep inside, I endured it anyway because I didn't want to be a bad parent. I didn't want to be selfish as what's most important is the health of my baby. So what did I do? I tried to make myself as useful as possible to the other moms in the room. The new mom right beside me had to be induced and after about 10 hours in the labour room, was then told she had to get a c-section. She was okay but her baby had to be kept upstairs because there was something wrong with his lungs. So since she wasn't that occupied all the time like the other moms, I talked to her a lot and shared biscuits. The one beside her had something wrong with her placenta but she already had her baby with her, and her baby was so small but cute! Whenever she goes to have a bath, I'd sneak up to her bed and play with her baby hehe. The mommy in front of her had diabetes and caused her baby to be overweight which resulted in also a c-section. I talked to her before she went into the operation room. She was so nervous but I told her to read some doas and that she's in good hands. The doctors estimated her baby was 4 kg. The next day when she returned to our room, I went to go see her new baby. And subahanallah, wasn't he a chubby one! She told me, he wasn't 4kg but 4.5! This one surely had to skip the newborn clothes section. 

And finally, the mommy in front of me, who was like me, still having our huge tummies intact since we were the only ones who haven't given birth. She was quite shy but always with a smile on her face and I noticed she always solat on time. I was told there was something wrong with her baby, also with the placenta but I didn't ask much since she  seemed very quiet. One night, I was awakened by her voice calling the nurse. Then, I saw the nurses gathering at her bed and soon the doctors came. I couldn't really hear what was happening but I could sense that something wasn't right. I heard the doctor ask her, "Sakit, ye? Saya bagi Puan ubat tahan sakit dulu, ye?" So she was having her contractions. But I'm guessing not a normal one as there were too many nurses with her. 

I went back to sleep and when I woke up again I saw her bed was empty. "Oh, so she must be in the labour room now.. Alhamdulillah. Another baby will arrive." The next morning, she was back. She still had a mild smile on her face but looked very pale. I went to her when she came out of the bathroom and tapped her shoulder, 
"Akak, mana baby? Still kat atas ey?"
"Baby dah takde.. Dia tak sihat." 
I was too shocked and didn't know what to say. I just said, "Oh..." And felt so guilty.
She could tell that I was, so she added, "Tapi memang doktor dah bagitau semalam yang jantung baby dah lemah and mungkin takleh nak selamat.. Takde rezeki, kan?" With a smile. She told me this with a smile.
Again, I just said, "Oh..." And I helped her to walk to her bed and pulled her light blue curtain all the way so that she could have her privacy. 
Like me, she was so near to labour, her tummy was huge. And since she was very petite, she really had difficulty walking, but just as the time almost came for her baby to arrive, Allah took it back. Innalillah.. I would never forget how strong this Akak was and how so calmly she accepted her fate. 

My nights were full with newborns' 'conversation'. These sounds, I realized were not the same with the ones from older infants which I think are much more louder and sharper. Newborns' crying is.. hmmm, how should I describe it.. It's like the sound comes from the stomach making it sound worrying as  it is as if they are gasping for air, but at the same time when their mom calms them down and the wailing becomes like a cooing sound, I couldn't help but smile. These tiny little humans. Even their wailings are cute. Like I said, for the first few days, I woke up with lovely eye-bags as I couldn't get any sleep. But then I decided that this was Allah's way of exposing me to the situation that insyaAllah I will have to face and it was for me to practice. So, yes on the 4th day I think, I could already sleep soundly. Haha don't know if that's a good thing. 

Right now, as I sit back on this blue chair as to avoid having my tummy touching or bumping on the desk, I feel so grateful for the experience. Having no experience whatsoever in labour or even newborns, I was exposed to sooo much during my stay. Yes, alhamdulillah my prayers were soon granted. On that morning, a specialist who I haven't met before, came to me and as the MO read my chart and explained my condition, he simply asked me, "Are you feeling okay, Puan? Do you want to go home?" I couldn't believe my ears. He asked several more questions to the MOs and decided that I should be discharged but first, he'd want to do another ultrasound scan. And after that, he said my baby was as healthy as can be and seeing how healthy I looked (the refreshing and bright smile really did work), he told me I should go and rest at home. Alhamdulillaaaah. I was grinning ear to ear. Oh, and plus! He said, I didn't need an early labour as everything was back to normal. I just needed to get enough rest until my EDD. Yes, sir! That I could absolutely do.

As usual, doesn't it amazes you how Allah does his work? That experience, though it seemed to be something about me and my baby's health, was actually just a disguise for me to watch and learn the never-ending sacrifices of a mother. The cryings at night when all the moms want to do is rest after having an operation, how every position they try to breastfeed their babies, the babies still choose to cry. And changing positions is not easy for these moms who have had their tummies cut open. How they struggle to get out of bed for the fear of accidentally stretching the stitches. How they walk so slowly to the toilet to get refreshed, yet have to return as fast as they can so that their babies are not left unattended (well, here is where I come in handy haha). And how they feel so guilty despite doing everything they could, their babies still scream all night and cause everyone to be sleep-deprived. 

Oh, a mother's sacrifices are endless! Alhamdulillah, I would consider myself lucky for having quite an easy pregnancy but when the backaches attack or when I just feel annoyingly nauseous as a result of my meds, frustration and complains couldn't help but to escape from my mouth. Forgive me, ya Allah. Being pregnant is just the beginning. My whole life would change after this. I'd never forget what my mom said one day when I was showing her my swollen feet. "Ni lah korban ibu.. It starts now and will never end till she dies."

Being pregnant has never made me more at awe to all the mothers out there, especially mine. Having my husband sharing this experience with me has been wonderful. He has always treated his mom like a queen, which is something I've always admired about him. But even now, seeing me grow with our baby, he has found a new respect for mothers and thus, treats me like a princess. 

I'm just counting the days now. We're just so close, I'm actually growing impatient hehe. And yes, he/she is still a surprise. Allll the doctors who have performed a scan on him/her says that it's pretty much visible that it's a boy or a girl and they are amazed that we have kept strong so far. Believe me, sometimes I just wanna say, "Fine, tell me! So that I could get that blue hat or pink headband." But naaah, my husband and I think surprises are much more fun. We'll miss all this one day..

So please, pray for us. Please please please pray that it'll be an easy labour, and most important for the baby to be healthy. Thank you, may Allah bless you. Amin. 

Showing deepest empathy :))

Hospital food which was not bad at all.

Saturday, August 4, 2012


Have you ever felt like the time paused on you? Like when you're doing something like walking to class or driving and suddenly something, just something makes you stop thinking about anything else, and at that instant, you realize. You realize that this is your life that you're living. It's actually happening. It's not a dream. You're living it. Right now. Well, have you?

I have. A lot lately. And though it gets kinda freaky sometimes, I let it happen anyway. It's always about the same thing. About me realizing that I'm coming home from work to a husband. That we are now living in our own small cozy house. And of course, of me realizing that I'm carrying a small human being in my womb.

I'm not sure if it's normal, but I'm still grasping the fact that I have this kind, loving and funny person as a husband. Who at work, I miss every second and when at home, would talk non-stop with to share everything that happened that day. I know it has been several months, but still, at moments of this realization, I just sometimes surprise myself. I have a husband. And he's my best friend. I don't know why but realizing this makes me teary alll the time.

And then, there'd be those moments when the kicks are so strong that I'm forced to stop talking and my students would wait for me to complete my sentence, or the hiccups that would make my whole body shake, or even the stretchings that would let me see the elbow or knee moving under my skin. Looking at the mirror week by week has been an enjoying moment too. Amazing, subahanallah. Sometimes we'd laugh together looking at the movements, and recently that they're getting stronger, we'd speak to him/her- that everything's alright, we can't wait to meet you too, and please.. just be healthy. How does one accept all these fascinating things happening? I mean, I believe that all of this is happening, but believing, and realizing is just.. overwhelming.

The blessed Ramadhan has been passing away quickly, and I've really been trying to take the opportunity to be a better person, not just for me, but for my family, and of course the little one. On days that I feel fatigued, he/she'd give that nudge that tells me, "Mommy, I'm okay.. I know that you are too. Be strong!" And I really do try to be. Oh, I could talk on and on about the interactions or the silent speeches I have with this amazing creation, but I guess I'll do that some other time.

I should be off to class now, please pray that everything goes well as alhamdulillah, life has been amazing.. May yours are too. Amin.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Dear Baby,

I know that for the past few weeks, I've been writing to you in your little green diary, but today I just thought I'd write in here instead just so that one day you could come here and read this post and read other posts if you want. This is my blog, baby. It's where I write about things that I love. And now, you're in it. Because I love you so much already..

You're now 20 weeks, subahanallah how time flies! We're halfway there! I can't believe that I'll have you so soon! I don't think I'm ready although your daddy thinks I'll be a perfect mommy. I just smile when he says that and make a silent prayer that I will be one, not perfect, but I hope good enough to prepare you to be a good and faithful servant to Allah swt. Your daddy has been trying to steal some chat sessions with you, because he says he wants you to recognize his voice too and not just mine. Oh, he's just so excited to meet you, baby! And you'll love him. He's amazing. Just like you will be.

Yesterday, Auntie Syiqin, a very best friend of mine who I think you'll meet very often soon, got married to your daddy's best friend. It was such a beautiful wedding and so many of my friends came. They said I look a bit different and asked the magic question, and when I said "Yes", they were all squealing and smiling and hugging me because they were so happy. Most of them even tried to feel you in my tummy! I know you heard them and even gave them a kick or two to say hello. Guess you're loving the attention already.

Next Tuesday, I'll be having my next scan session to have a peek of how you're doing. It's also actually the time for us to find out whether you're a girl or a boy. Although me and your daddy could almost guess, we're telling the doctor to keep it to herself, because we want you to be a surprise. We just want you to be healthy. So keep on growing ok, baby? 

One day, when you're big enough to read this I hope you know that everyone is so happy that you're coming. So be good in there. May Allah take excellent care of you and keep you and me safe for the next few months. Me and your daddy love you now and we'll surely love you later..

Till next time.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

First Time

Right after our outdoor photography session which was done on the night of our walimah, we came back home, finally feeling hungry. After a very brief 'makan beradab' during the day which I managed to steal two mouthfuls, my tummy was finally screaming for food. So was my new husband. So we found some curry mee left on the table, took a bowl of it, laid a cloth on the floor, and ate
. At that moment, sitting side by side, and looking at each other, we realized, this was our first time eating together, just the two of us. I have never tasted any mee curry as delicious as the one we had that night.

The next day, we sent Syiqin and Diana to the bus station, my husband
wasn't familiar with the roads there, so I drove. As soon as I hit the pedal, he made a remark that made us laugh, he said I drove like a race car driver. Syiqin and Diana just said they were used to it. At that instant, we realized it was the first time we were in a car together. And driving my tiny car that night was never more exciting.

Before our honeymoon, my husband wanted to buy a new pair of sa
ndals, you know, the type that would be suitable for the beach, so I brought him to Perangin Mall, and we went to all the shoe stores there but couldn't seem to agree on the same pair. After several more trials, we began to laugh. We realized, it was our first time buying something together. And the pair that we soon finally found and both agreed on, has been the coolest pair of sandals I have ever seen on a person.
A couple of weeks ago, we received special guests, and during these three days, for the first time, I was called 'Ahlia Azwan', and each time I hear or see the name, my heart couldn't help but to beam with proud.
It has been almost three months that Allah swt grant my wish of having him by my side, and each single day has not stopped surprising us with the happiness and the feeling of completeness of having each other. I'm the type of person who makes a note on the calendar for every special thing that happens as I don't want to forget them, so you can just imagine, how full my calendar is now.

But today, on this date, several years ago, for the first time, a little baby boy that was going to grow up to become the most amazing man and bring such pure happiness to so many people, especially to me- his wife, entered the world. And to show my appreciation of this, for the first time, at 12am last night, I brought him a small slice of cake and sang him 'Happy Birthday' with tears in my eyes. Bringing the cake, I felt excited, but as I got near and looking at his face, my singing was becoming horren
dous as I couldn't believe I was there, in front of him, being able to wish him face to face. For the first time, the 'Happy birthday' song was sang while crying. For the first time, we ate an Oreo Cheesecake together. For the first time, I get to celebrate my husband's birthday.

Throughout our lives together, I'm sure there will be so many other 'first times', and each single one will be stamped not only in my calendar but in my heart. I'll never stop thanking Allah for giving him to me, and I'll pray that every other moment, event, experience, journey-- though will not always be the first time, will always, always, be special. Because I know, with him, everything i

Happy Birthday, dear husband. I love you. Always have, and always will.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Dear Someone,

A few months ago, on nights like this, when I felt you were closer to me than usual, because you were on your khuruj, I'd miss you. And at that instant, my eyes would get all teary as missing you hurt, but knowing that missing you was wrong, made it even more painful. Thus, the tears of longing would turn into tears of guilt and you were unwillingly forced to exit my mind, but never my heart.

But tonight, tonight, being away for hardly 24 hours, yet it feels like years have gone by, and again, you feel so close, that I miss you. And this time, I won't hold back. I'm missing you. I'll miss you every single second. And though it still hurts, I'm letting myself miss you. Missing you dearly.

Because I can.

Monday, January 30, 2012


I know that some other things have happened in this world, but you know,
my world now just kinda revolves around me and my husband hehee. So you know that my blog now just has to be about me and my husband, our wedding, my husband, things that I feel like writing, my husband, my feelings, oh and yes, my husband! So just for the fun of it, tonight I'm going to list some things that happened before the wedding.

  • The date was chosen randomly just so that people would stop asking as at that time we had no idea when to have it.
  • It was originally 25th December. But then very soon we decided to change.
  • At first, the akad was planned to be held on the morning before the walimah, but changed to the night before to avoid chaos.
  • Went into a chocolate frenzy about 3 weeks before the wedding. Could finish a huge bar of chocolate at one time. And I don't even like chocolate. Crazy!
  • Have always wanted a light-coloured wedding. Eg: White jubah, white background, white decorations. But plans had to change.
  • Originally, the colour of the jubah for my side of walimah was peach. But it turned out to be so pale, that Mama and Tok prohibited me to wear it.
  • I like looking pale so I insisted to wear it, for several days I'd model the jubah in front of them trying to let them see that it's not that bad, but with a straight face they'd say, "No."
  • So went with jubah no. 3, (I had several jubahs tailored just in case things like this happen), which was maroon. I really like the design. But then again, refer to point no. 5.
  • These jubahs were all completed 2 weeks before the wedding.
  • I sewed my akad jubah in between the gap of my lecture classes, which took approximately an hour. (FYI, teaching there requires me to only be at the faculty at class hours, so the long gap was used beneficially.)
  • The chocolates in the door gifts were made by yours truly. After doing all 2000 of them, I refuse to look at chocolates anymore.
  • Since couldn't really make up my mind on my jubah, bought fiance's(at that time) Baju Melayu a day before the wedding.
  • Decided to rent the songket suit a few days before. He did not try any of these clothes until the wedding.
  • Oh, and the last time I met him was during our convocation which was 2 months before.
  • Tents prepared were insufficient so more tents were added a day before. They were decided to be decorated a few hours before the walimah started.
  • Had zero appetite at this time.
  • Original fabric for akad veil was accidentally turned into the 'lapik dulang' by Mama so used some other fabric available. This was made a few hours before akad.
  • Totally forgot about hand-bouquet until I was going to enter the living room to salam my husband. So used artificial flowers on the table and tied with rubber-band. This was made within 3 minutes.
  • Akad jubah had those silver-sparkling things which fell all over the place, and all over my hands, and husband's hands, but it made me feel that I 'shine'.
  • Couldn't sleep that night because couldn't believe I am finally a wife.
  • Syiqin and Diana helped to sew maroon veil for walimah the next morning.
  • Almost decided to wash face after being make-up(ed) but decided to keep the eyes.
  • Refused to wear false eye-lashes.
  • Didn't feel sleepy at all on the big day because missed husband already.

I guess it was just so.. us to do everything at the 11th hour. But alhamdulillah, all the last-minute preparation didn't affect our day. It was a beautiful day. I desired less attention on me, but I guess that was hard to achieve as I was the bride. It was a bright sunny day, there was no music, the food was super delicious, I got to meet old friends, and I saw so many happy faces. I knew that my parents were tired but I also knew that they were also very happy and relieved. And that, plus, having the most amazing man by my side the whole time, was more than I prayed for. I just couldn't stop smiling. Still can't now..

Thank you. Thank You, Ya Allah. :')

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Us (Part 1)

I used to dream about tonight. The lights are dim, my husband sleeping soundly while I take several minutes in my life to stare at his beautiful face. His eyes, his nose, his mouth are mine to see. And realizing that, knowing that it's not a dream anymore, is indescribable.

Two weeks have passed since Allah swt made me his wife,
and I have never been this happy, this peaceful and this grateful in my whole life. On that blessed night, I was sitting behind the curtain listening anxiously to the akad, I heard my father's voice giving the lafaz akad to my husband and once his soothing voice accepted it and he said my name, tears just refused to stop. I thought I was the only one. But once I came out to salaam my husband, I could see that his eyes were red as well and I knew that the man that I was holding hands with now, will be my everything. Everything. We still ask ourselves everyday, "Is this real? Is this really happening?" And when the effects of each other pinches leave bruises, we just can't stop thanking Allah and each other. Only Allah knows what both of us went through before we achieved this union. And only Allah is the reason why we are both so madly in love now, so calm and just so, very, happy. He used to remind me before we were married that all the sacrifices then will ensure how happy we will be after we become husband and wife, and that became our motivation to put Allah first in everything. So it wasn't easy. But now, now masyaAllah, life is amazing. He's everything that I hoped for and more. Alhamdulillah.

Tomorrow we're heading to a small gateway. Just to a familiar island and a small chalet with a beach that we can walk side by side at. I have so much more to write, but looking at him tucked in so comfortably, my eyes are feeling heavy as well. I'll write again, but in the meanwhile, thank you Papa, Mama, Abangah, Aiman and the rest of my family members who have been my back bone
for all this while, and friends who have been sharing the happiness and sending us your love, and whoever who's reading this who've been praying for our happiness. I'm making a special do'a for you.

May Allah bless you. :)