I was cooking, my husband came home from work, gave me an ice cream. He said, he got one at school. So he bought me one too. I grinned and wanted to take the ice cream when I saw a white envelope at his hand. Took it, and we looked at each other wide-eyed.
I felt like my body was being shot and I was left half-paralyzed. I felt like I was told by a doctor that I got cancer. I felt my heart shattering. I felt tears building.
This can't be happening. Why now? After two years.. Why now?
What about Aysha, who I have been with for 24/7 ever since she was born?
What about the new me, which I have started to really be confident with, has been my inner strength and brought me such peacefulness?
My head was spinning. I couldn't think. When I tried, tears just came in and didn't want to stop.
I told my husband to do some amal and then try to mollify me, because at that moment, I felt like he was the only one who could understand how I felt. So he left for his solat Asar, came back and met me, who was still crying.
"Allah knows everything. Allah knows everything that we're going through. Allah knows everything in our hearts. We have Allah. And I will always support you, no matter what decision you make. Remember, our purpose in life is to please Allah. To live our lives according to the Quran and follow the Nabi's sunnah, to follow the ways of life of the sahabat rah. Whatever we do, it must be based on this.
So now, I don't want you to think too much about this. Don't think too deeply and worry too much of what's going to happen. But to always remember Allah is always kind and always husnuzon to Allah. Allah chose to give us this test, and Allah can choose to take it back and solve it. What we can do now, is to do what Allah tells us to do. Take care of your amal, take care of your solat, your quran and zikir, your ta'lim, and your aurat. Do extra amal if you want to. And insyaAllah, Allah will take care of the rest.
If you think too much about this and get worried and sad, it wouldn't solve anything. But be closer to Allah, and Allah will lead the way. Although we think we know what we want, actually Allah knows what's really best for us. We must however, always remember that the life of Rasulullah and the sahabats is the life that we want, but if we have tried our best to imitate them and idolize them, yet there are things that make us unable to do so, then Allah would know. Allah would understand.
We'll do what they want us to do. I'll take a leave and go with you. But we'll be prepared with amal. We have Allah with us. I will support you. Then, we'll wait. InsyaAllah, don't worry.. Allah is with us."
I was still crying. But this time, my tears were of relief. I felt like a huge dinosaur was taken from my back. We'll still have to deal with this. But we have a plan, insyaAllah. We'll deal with it together. And those words of 'take care of amal' will be my new motivation.
InsyaAllah, I'm going to try to be strong. And I ask, anyone who's reading this to please make doa that we'll have the strength to face whatever that Allah has chosen for us. Jazakallah, may Allah bless you.
Dear husband, what would I do without you... I love you, forever.